Dadblog

Extraordinary. The guy behind Slumbering Lungfish, one of the best jobs around, has just got himself a job as…wait for it….an intern at Wired News.

Jesus, someone hire him properly, for Christ’s sake.

Fascinating Warren Ellis screed on the fictionalisaing of the world, which speaks alarmingly to a story I’m working on:

“Imagine the children of Edward Hyde. Inhumanly strong Id-things clawing their way out of scabby wombs. 1880s London already had a serious social problem with the number of children living on the street; stealing food, attacking passers-by, killing each other, fucking on the pavement as soon as they were old enough to manage it. By 1900, the streets of London could have been littered with dead children. Dead children laying on the cobbles, dirty snow filling their open mouths and the hollows of their staring eyes, as the children of Edward Hyde grow older and stronger, following their twisted genetic programming, obeying the demons of their nature.”

Blimey, you wait a decade for a decent data protection story and then two come along at once (rather like decent Oasis albums). Now British Gas is blaming the Data Protection Act because it cut off an old couple’s gas supply and then didn’t tell anyone about it (like, er, the social services). This is rather like a sniper killing Kennedy and then blaming Wal-Mart for not telling him the gun was loaded.

Come on, people. There’s nothing wrong with the Data Protection Act. What’s wrong is people’s understanding of it, because they’ve never thought it was important enough to hire someone clever enough to understand it (the Guardian is an exception, our Data Protection chap is very very clever and on top of it completely). Data Protection is complex, and it can’t be simplified. Sort out thine own temple before slagging off thy temple builder. Or something.

“MPs and an older people’s charity today called for a review of the Data Protection Act after claims that it prevented social services from being alerted to the case of an elderly couple who died after their gas was cut off.British Gas claimed yesterday that it was barred by law from passing on information about George Bates, 89, and his 86-year-old wife Gertrude, who were found in a decomposed state in their south London home in October.”

Marvellous call to arms for newspapers from heisel.og: Apple’s come a long way, so can we. Thrust of the argument is that if Apple can win by making quality products at the high end that people really badly want, so can newspapers:

“Let’s focus on quality - sure Britney Spears, Bennifer, and Kournikova will get you one-off sales and clicks, but let’s not commoditize news. Our readers, our advertisers, our communities, our nation deserves better than that. Let’s break news, get in-depth, provide context. Anyone can produce cheap news (and anyone can make cheap computers). Let’s make quality our value proposition and our product differential.”

I know, it’s easy to say. But it’s still worth saying.

What the hell are we doing to our kids? There’s a new study out now which says that child eczema has tripled since the 1970s. Asthma up, autism up, hay fever up, and now eczema - all these mysterious conditions which no-one knows as much about as they pretend to but which all seem to point to some form of major lifestyle problem for children. Are children actually allergic to modern life? And what on earth are we supposed to do about that?

The movie pedants are out for The Return of the King, including this classic:

“Other: The trebuchets shown during the battle at the White City defy the laws of physics. Firstly, some of the trebuchets have baskets attached directly to the end of the lever arm, which would cause the projectile to be embedded in the ground just a few feet in front of the trebuchet. Secondly, a trebuchet attempts to lunge forward when it’s fired, but the trebuchets in the movie remain motionless even though there’s nothing holding them down. Thirdly, the large projectiles shown landing in the battlefield would have required a humongous trebuchet to launch them, but all of the trebuchets shown in the movie are even smaller than the projectiles themselves (a trebuchet of the required size would be easily visible from nearly any viewing angle on the White City). Lastly, trebuchets are only useful as offensive weapons, used primarily to punch a whole in the fortress wall to allow the army to invade. They don’t work as defensive weapons because the projectiles are small, and even if you did manage to target a single individual, he would see it coming and would have ample time to step to one side (a fact depicted in the film). The defensive weapon idea only works in the movie due to the oversize nature of the projectiles, and the idiotic behavior of the orcs of standing in large groups within trebuchet range and not moving until it’s too late.”

Yesssss. And the lighting of the beacons is one of the most amazing pieces of cinema ever. But that’s too wishy-washy generalist a view, probably.

There is an England, full of nice clever people, who think honours are a load of guff. And apparently they’re prepared to say so by refusing honours. The list of people who’ve said no includes David Bowie, Helen Mirren, Claire Tomalin, Peter Alliss (bizarrely) and Nigella Lawson (what the hell did she get one for?). Broadly they’re nice, sensible, talented people who don’t need affirmation by an outdated monarchy that they’re worthy human beings. Or, as Michael Frayn (the avatar of nice sensible Englishness) said on refusing an award:

“I haven’t done this for reasons of modesty. I like the name ‘Michael Frayn’; it’s a nice little name to run around with. I’ve spent 70 years getting used to it and I don’t want to change it now.”

Brilliant (but not as brilliant as his wife Claire Tomalin, who refused to confirm her refusal!).

There’s a fab Christmas Number One round-up over at BBC Online, on the back of Gary Jules’ rather extraordinary achievement in getting to Number One with the Donnie Darko cover of Mad World. This is a bit like your loud American Muslim cousin gatecrashing your Christmas lunch and talking about manic depression over the turkey - can’t help thinking The Darkness would have been more fun on festive Top of the Pops.

CHRISTMAS TOP FIVE 2003
1. Mad World Gary Jules
2. Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End) The Darkness
3. Changes Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne
4. Proper Crimbo Avid Merrion
5. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) Pop Idols

RECENT CHRISTMAS NUMBER ONES
2002 - Girls Aloud, Sound of the Underground
2001 - Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman, Somethin’ Stupid
2000 - Bob the Builder, Can We Fix It?
1999 - Westlife, I Have A Dream
1998 - Spice Girls, Goodbye

Well, here’s a surprise: doctors say the sicknote system ‘is a sham’

“Doctors in Scotland have told researchers that they often write sicknotes for patients even when they are well enough to return to work. GPs said they did not have the time or the desire to challenge patients and simply issued sicknotes on demand”.

What a shocker. I never would have guessed.

I can’t find the latest TV Cream Update on the TV Cream website, so if you didn’t get it, here’s them scaling the heights again this time on the subject of the 1977 Christmas Record Breakers Special:

“ONE OF THE BIGGEST PUFFS IN THE BUSINESS”
A tribute to The All-Star Record Breakers

For nine Christmases between 1974 and 1982, The All-Star Record Breakers was the glittering festive showpiece of the BBC Children’s Programmes calendar, bringing together all your favourite presenters and, for no adequately explained reason, getting them to act, sing and dance about a bit.

Moreover, it was never exactly clear why Roy and Norris’s domino-toppling, tap-dancing catalogue of pointless human endeavour was selected as the canvas for this sparkling tableau. McWhirter’s patented stout-flogging brand of superlative trivia forever seemed to take a back seat on these occasions to, say, JOHN CRAVEN exhibiting a nimble foxtrot or JONATHAN COHEN and the Play School band cutting loose with some free-form jazz piano.

However, the one thing that everybody remembers about TASRB is the mass tap-dancing world record (in aid of Action Research For The Crippled Child, lest we forget) in the middle of Television Centre from 1977. (”Just outside with tapping feet! It’s the biggest dance troupe in the whole world, waiting for the beat!”), which of course we love cos you get to see loads of the inside and outside of Creamup’s favourite building in the world, in addition to loads of rather clod-hopping hoofing.

That 1977 show perhaps represented TASRB at its peak - kicking off with Roy attempting to sing Catch A Falling Star, only to be interrupted by his co-stars assailing him (”I say, Roy! Did you know…?”) with facts about astronomy, a running joke involving JOHN NOAKES being pied at every opportunity, and KENNETH WILLIAMS demonstrating an oversized saxophone and attracting some knowing laughs from the orchestra with some ribald comments, in a scene once masterfully recreated in the TVC office by the Digi Creamguide Ed (”Down here, Roy!”). Sadly, a flip through Ken’s brilliant diaries reveal he didn’t think much of the show (”One begins to wonder what the professional limits *are*!”).

The other highlight from 1977 was the retelling of the Hans Christian Andersen story, starring Roy, natch, with KEITH CHEGWIN as his trusty apprentice. It’s always good to see NOEL EDMONDS in an acting capacity, and who knew PETER PURVES possessed such a pleasing baritone? Although there is a rather sickly soft-focus sequence with Roy attempting to woo Madame Dora, aka MAGGIE “AND I’M MAGGIE” HENDERSON.

The rest of the cast that year consisted of JAN “CRACKERJACK!” HUNT, LESLEY “EGG ON OUR FACES” JUDD, JULIE “PLAY SCHOOL” STEVENS, SUSAN “GALORE” KING, LUCY “NEWSROUND EXTRA” MATHEN, JOHNNY “CARCOAT” MORRIS and DAVID “PLAY AWAY” WOOD.

In 1978, TASRB tantalisingly promised to take us “to the music hall for a feast of song and dance, and a chance to see some of your favourite presenters in very unusual roles.” New additions to the cast included BERNIE “SKIPS” CLIFTON, BRIAN “KERT GANTRY’S KITCHEN PANTRY” CANT, CAROL “FUSSY OLD CROW” LEADER, STUART “HOT MUM” McGUGAN, MAGGIE “PENNY KEITH DON’T NEED ME AT THE MANOR” PHILBIN and CHRISTOPHER “COLOUR SEP… SEPAR… SEPERATION” WENNER.

The following year’s show was memorable in many ways, not least for the “special guest appearance” from VALERIE “PORN CHANNEL” SINGLETON to assess the Miss Children’s Programmes 1979 contest. Sadly we have no recollection of who actually won this prestigious crown - frankly, our money would’ve been on Mags. The show also saw Roy drumming up “all the fun of the fair” and, intriguingly, making “John Craven’s dream come true”. We shudder to think what that was, actually.

In 1980, “down on the farm Roy holds a Record-Breaking party where cows and vegetables dance, Laurel and Hardy make a comeback and guests are transported to outer space!” Now, we vividly the dancing vegetables bit, cos it was SI, SAZ and PETE off of Blue Peter dressed up as carrots and stuff. Not sure about this year’s cast, mind. STU “GRAPE” FRANCIS and JOHNNY “AND HIS NAME WAS… GALILEO!” BALL, yes, but what the hell was ANITA “I GOT SIX MONTHS TO LIVE DEN” DOBSON doing there? John Craven’s Back Pages proffers more information, however, revealing that “choreographer SALLY GILPIN works out some very smart routines that make people like me, with two left feet, look passably good” and “producer ALAN RUSSELL has asked for at least six grand pianos and an electronic space game. Apparently we’ve got to dodge the lasers!”

On to 1981, and frankly our memories are a bit sketchy about this one, and RT isn’t much use, but it does inform us that MARK “BRAZIL!” CURRY, SALLY-ANN “BARDO” TRIPLETT and THE KRANKIES had joined the crew, as had TONY “BUT THERE IS A PRIZE” HART, no doubt creating a huge festive snowscape on the studio floor with packets of Lux flakes and being “aided and abetted” by COLIN “NIGHTSHIFT” BENNETT in a party hat. We think, however, this might have been the year when SARAH “OOH, GHOSTWATCH!” GREENE did a lavish double Hollywood-style dance routine as sisters (”You must have heard of us, we’re the Greene twins!”) via the miracle of colour sep.. separ.. separation.

And so to 1982 and TASRB’s finale, based in MIKE “275 AND 285″ READ’s newly-opened Saturday Superstore, and hence propelling DAVID “GODHEAD” ICKE into a light entertainment context, good practice for his forthcoming encounter with Wogan. Perhaps the highlight of the Superstore show was MARK “GRIPPAAAAHH!” SAVAGE performing a song in the corridors and classrooms of Grange Hill.

But as Gripper cycled off on his Crump’s The Butchers bike, the curtain came down on the era of The All-Star Record Breakers. Perhaps its spirit has been rekindled in recent years by the demented Blue Peter Christmas specials, and, fingers crossed, this year’s Sleeping Beauty Uncovered, starring TVC Towers faves MATT BAKER, SIMON THOMAS, DICK AND DOM (especially Dom) and FEARNE COTTON. But given that D&D regular make hapless attempts at world records in Da Bungalow (Dom’s watermelon headbutting was a particular highlight), and the BP team’s obvious love of dressing up and arseing about, we can’t help feeling there’s an opportunity of a revival being missed here.

Dedication, that’s what we need!